Tuesday, September 28, 2010

GRE

Have you ever wondered who writes the GRE? Two years ago I could not have cared less about the GRE, what it involves, why it is on a computer, why it is being revised, why it costs 160 dollars, or why so many people care about it. Unfortunately, I now care about these things. Now, I hate to go ahead and jinx myself, but to anyone even remotely associated with the creation of the GRE here is what I say to you: "BOO".

If you ever wanted to pursue a degree after your baccalaureate (which sounds like "back a lor ee et". I'm sorry, just say bachelor's) you would know that you most likely have to take an exam to get into a school for whichever degree you so choose to earn. What you don't know is that some dill-hole is writing your exam just trying to keep you out of said school to earn said degree. He puts words in the analogy section such as, "garrulous, hackneyed, felicitous, and perfidious." Why, sir, do you hate every student taking the GRE.

I have come up with two theories and one that is without a doubt NOT the reason for his hatred toward students, they are as follows:

1 - He took the standardized test that the school of his dreams gave to him. It was his last requirement for admission. They actually told him, "If you can pass this exam you will be accepted." Guess who sucked on that exam! Because he never got in he wants to keep every other student from ever achieving his/her dreams. Thus was born the GRE frequently used words list.

2 - He was a professor at a University but all of his students hated him and played pranks on him until he cried. Everyone knows that if you make a man cry he will seek vengeance seventy times over. Well, turns out us students are still paying for that. Why couldn't he have just failed all of them and that would make them cry?

Finally, the one reason that we can eliminate as a possible explanation:

Trying to find the actual potential of an student applying to a school. In an exam where you could get two answers correct and score 800 and another kid could get two answers correct and get 200, it just doesn't sound that fair to me. The other problem is that I hold the opinion that a person is more than a number. Go to any patient and ask them what their doctors, nurses, physical therapists, optometrists, dentists, or gynecologists GRE score was. I don't think they would even care. Patients care about whether their doctor, nurse, etc., knows how to help them, and whether they are kind, helpful, friendly, respectful, knowledgeable, hardworking, and an all around good person. I could be wrong, but I don't think you can tell that from a score between 200 and 1600.
Maybe I am saying all of this because I am in a bad mood that I have to spend hours of my time preparing for something that I see as a hoop to jump through, but I think I am more saying it out of the fact that all people do these days is ask - what's your GPA, GRE, SAT, ACT - nobody cares about how hard you work or how much you care about other people, and unfortunately a lot of the caring and hardworking people don't get a glance because people are so concerned with another applicant's GPA that is higher - regardless of whether he cares about people or not. Good job America.



Saturday, September 25, 2010

Bieber World

Dear Everyone,
You are in one of two camps, "Bieber Obsessed" or "Bieber Hatred." I have not met anyone in between and nor will I because that is not an acceptable place to stand. Bieber is like roller coasters - either you love him, or he makes you want to puke. I have my own opinions about which camp you should be in, but for those who have not been exposed to this phenomenon I will give a completely straight forward, unbiased, non opinionated, facts only listing of arguments for each party:


Bieber World

-He's a decent singer
-He's cute
-He's deep and thoughtful

Bieber Hatred (aka Common Sense, Rational Thought, Those with an IQ above 20 - i.e. above profound mental retardation [look it up])

-He's not cute at all. He actually looks like every 13 year old boy in North America (yes, I know he is 16 - but he does not look 16, he looks like he hasn't even hit puberty)
-He's not deep and thoughtful! How many of those songs do you think he writes himself?! He is singing about Sonny and Cher and Bonnie and Clyde. He is not old enough to even know who they are! Also, he sings about love ALL THE TIME. I'm sorry - I don't think he has truly been in love yet. Even if he really is 16 - which you would have to show me his birth certificate to prove to me - that is still extremely young and I think chances would favor my side that he has not been in love nor come close.
- He sings with people like Usher and Ludacris. I'm sorry that's just not happening.
- HE IS NOT EVEN AMERICAN!!!!!! REALLY PEOPLE?! HE IS FROM CANADA! What happened to the good old RED WHITE AND BLUE! Supporting your own! Great everything we have is already made in China and now we are outsourcing our pop artists as well!?!


World. What can we learn from this? I will tell you. The only thing this kid has going for him is that he has a decent voice, and I'm sorry, but there are a lot of other people who do too (like me - ;) ). That alone should not make you a national obsession. Finally, we have also learned that we should completely abandon pop music all together. What matters is the songs meaning, the singers voice, and their ability to connect to the audience. I just can't connect with a 13 year old singing about love. So world, we have learned: Avoid Bieber at all costs and listen to Country!!!

Yours Truly,
Bieber Hatred member #132246


Friday, September 10, 2010

Acceptable:

Dear friends and family. I realize that I am such a nice, handsome, friendly guy that you all love so much that you just don't know how to express it. Well, because I am that nice guy I have written this post to relieve you of the stress, worry, and frustration of what would be an acceptable way to express your love for me:

These would be acceptable gifts:



-Basset Hound
-Beagle
-Bloodhound
-Any variation of coonhound
-Dachshund
-Elkhound
-Finnish Spitz
-Foxhound
-Greyhound
-Rhodesian Ridgeback
-Brittany
-English Setter
-German Pointer (short or wirehaired)
-Gordon Setter
-Hungarian Vizsla
-Irish Setter
-Nova Scotia Duck Tolling Retriever
-English Pointer
-Labrador Retriever
-English Cocker Spaniel
-Weimaraner
-Airedale
-Bull Terrier
-Fox Terrier (Smooth or Wirehaired)
-Irish Terrier
-Jack Russel Terrier
-Scottish Terrier
-Welsh Terrier
-Bulldog
-Dalmatian
-Standard Schnauzer
-Alaskan Malamute
-Australian Cattle Dog
-Belgian Shepherd Dog
-Bernese Mountain Dog
-Border Collie
-Boxer
-Collie (Rough or Smooth)
-Dobermann
-German Shepherd Dog
-German Pinscher
-Rottweiler
-Siberian Husky


Unacceptable:
-Any dog small enough that if I step on it I could kill it
-Any dog that can use a litter box
-Any dog whose name begins with the word "Toy"
-Any dog that I could lose in my apartment when it is full grown
-Any dog that our 9 week old kitten could beat up
-Any dog that I would be required to say, "It's my wife's" in order to keep my manhood


All acceptable gifts can be sent to

5955 Bois Ile Drive Apt. 43
Haslett, MI 48840

All unacceptable gifts can be sent to

Attn: Christine Webb
5955 Bois Ile Drive Apt. 43
Haslett, MI 48840



You are welcome.